


In The Interest of Un-Parenthood

by grasssea



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-04
Updated: 2016-05-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 07:36:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6745222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grasssea/pseuds/grasssea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucifer and Chloe have a surprise heart to heart about birth control, infernal and otherwise. Lucifer has concerns. Chloe possibly has more concerns, though not the same ones.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In The Interest of Un-Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> First fic here, I just watched the show and I love it! Mostly trying to pin down character voices. Also, I know nothing about the law. Feedback appreciated!

"Right, lab says we'll get the results back in a few days. The suspect is under surveillance. If they were half siblings we'll have enough evidence to take her in and charge her with the murders." Chloe Decker explained as she stepped out of the elevator and into the darkened garage. The man sauntering after her, hands in his pockets, grinned.

"Not quite our usual neat case wrap up, is it Detective? Are you sure you don't want me to go in and wrestle a confession out? In the fun way, of course."

She rolled her eyes and ducked into the front seat of the car. "Yeah, that'll end well. In between the testimony from the lawyer, the will, and those emails we seized we have more than enough to lock her up, eventually. We just need to wait for the last puzzle piece."

Lucifer sighed laboriously. "I do despise having to wait for anything."

Chloe nodded. "Stake out, I remember. You ordered Thai and then tried to seduce the delivery guy. Still I figured you'd be an old hat at waiting for DNA test results, knowing this town and knowing your habits."

Lucifer looked genuinely baffled, resting his arm on the back of his seat so he could twist and look at her. "What on earth are you insinuating?"

Chloe had an odd way of shrugging with just her face, mouth going wide as her lips pressed together, head dipping for a second, eyebrows a raised. A perfect nonverbal 'Well, I mean....'

"Well, I mean, you have to have some sort of vasectomy or there'd be an medium sized day care of your kids." She shuddered at the thought of a few dozen little Morningstars, raising hell on the playground and charming the other toddlers. As he caught onto what she was saying Lucifer's own eyes widened in silent horror. Chloe continued, "But this is LA, someone has to have made a claim you knocked them up, if only for the tabloids."

Lucifer was still shell shocked by the mere notion of children, much less multiple children, much less _his_ , and it took him a few seconds to shake back into his usual lazy arrogance. "I think someone tried once and Maze put the fear of, well, Maze in them. No other happy applicants after that. Besides, I can't have children, angels can't sire much of anything. It's saved an _awful_ lot on pills and plastic and stretchy things over the years, let me tell you."

Chloe gave him one of her half concerned- half amused-all tired stares as she fiddled with the keys. Experience told her it was a bad idea to start driving when she'd gotten Lucifer talking about something. She'd nearly slammed into a lamp post the last time he'd started talking about his experiments with psychotropics. On the other hand, they didn't have all day. "Right. No angel babies. I'll take that as a yes on the vasectomy. We'll not get into your other dangerous sexual practices today."

"Why, Miz Decker! Are you worried about me? Or are you worried about us?" Lucifer's grin, rapidly recovering from the daycare comment, grew into a leer. "No worries, when the inevitable day comes you won't have to worry about another messy little menace. Though...." He frowned, brow rippling into furrows of thought.

Chloe did not look amused, and did not take note of his introspection.

"Inevitable, sure. Keep telling yourself that." She turned the key in the ignition sharply, as if she had just remembered that they were in a car. Lucifer blinked at the noise.

"Detective. I bleed around you."

"Yeah, yeah, you do." Chloe nodded in agreement. "I have seen you bleed in my presence. Just like everyone else."

"Yes, but what if I do other mortal things around you as well? _Procreative_ things.”

To Chloe’s surprise he seemed actually upset, frozen stiff down to the tips of his overly expensive shoes. She stalled the car again. 

“Look, I don’t think that’s how vasectomies, or- whatever you have going on, work.” she tried, but she couldn’t hide the uncertainty in her own voice. Something about Lucifer’s absolute faith in his babble would make even the most resolute non believer take a second to at least _think_ about it. And in Chloe's experience if you thought about it you were already halfway to shooting someone. 

“Detective, if anyone could could make an archangel beget offspring it would be you. How could I not have considered this before? Imagine, if you weren’t so stubbornly devoted to denying yourself the best time of your life who knows what might have happened? There are prophecies, you know, the Anti Christ and all that. Not quite Biblically accurate, but who wants to take chances when it comes to children and the end of the world?”

Lucifer was leaning away from her in the limited confines of the police car as he rambled, as if concerned that her fecundity might be infectious. Chloe held up her hands. “Calm down, my tubes are tied!” It came out louder and sharper than she had intended, like a whip crack. Chloe took a breath and tried to smooth the atmosphere of the car back out. “I can’t believe I’m telling you this, but I got the surgery done after Trixie. She was a complicated delivery and the doctors said it was safest if I didn’t get pregnant again. So even in some alternate universe where I have a sudden lapse of morals and sanity and sleep with you,” _Like I nearly did once_ , she thought guiltily, “nothing is happening. No need to worry about your delusional apocalypse babies.”

Lucifer did not look as soothed as she might have hoped. “That is something of a relief. Still, I’m going to have to look into this further. In the meantime, we’re going to have to keep you away from anything... reproductive happening in my vicinity. No parties for you, I'm afraid. And maybe stay away from my bedroom.”

“I’ll manage without access to your glorified orgies.” Chloe said dryly. “And while I’m not sure what’s actually going on in your head right now- and I don’t want to know, thank you-, but if you need any help with,” she grimaced, “birth control,you can talk to Dan. He’ll understand. God knows you don’t need a kid.”

“I’m not so certain He does, actually.” Lucifer replied. “But thank you for being so understanding. And for being sterile enough to conceivably prevent the apocalypse.” He made a face. “Conceivably. It’s everywhere. This is worse than mortality.”

Chloe’s struggle between ignoring her partner’s convoluted psychosis and making a comment, helpful or otherwise, was interrupted by the gentle pulsing of her phone. She checked it and then slammed on the gas, slamming Lucifer back in his seat.

“Chloe?” he gasped, rubbing the back of his head.

Chloe was turning out of the parking garage faster than was probably legal, tapping her foot at the sluggishness of the exit ticket taker. “Suspect tried to make an escape, probably heard about the warrant we got. I told you not to shout about it in front of the entire doctor’s office.”

“It got us what we needed. Now, are we on the chase?”

“No. She’s cornered. They’re worried it could turn into a hostage situation. We might need your freaky hypno powers.” Chloe glowered at the lunch break traffic outside. “Buckle up.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Lucifer clicked the catch and then straightened his cuffs. “Keep it up with the menace and order shouting and you might just make a good mother of the antichrist after all.”

 


End file.
